Why I Took My Son to See ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’

By Sonny Long

People have been asking me for a while now why I decided to take my son to see the new movie ‘Fifty Shades of Grey.’ Perhaps what they weren’t considering is that my son is a little shit that needs to see the real world. And that I didn’t know what the movie was about. Mostly that last part, though.


When my son, Kevin, got home from school, he found me waiting for him in my car, calling him over. He looked in, waiting for me to say something. Instead I tazed his ass and pulled him in through the window. We enjoyed a nice, quiet, and peaceful ride to the movies; he didn’t say one word. I couldn’t have been more happy to be spending time with my son. Once we got there and he saw how much fun I was, he would tell all of his friends and they would think I was the cool parent. That’s what I was hoping for, at least.


Pulling into the parking lot, I made note that it was only five minutes until the movie would start. I smacked Kevin rigorously, thinking it would help him regain consciousness. It didn’t. I tazed him a few more times to no avail. He was still out cold. There was only one thing I could do; I dragged my son out of the car and into the movie theater. I got a few weird glances, but I gave them right back. I tazed a few more punks outside of the theater who tried offering my unconscious son some weeds and cigs.


This was my time to shine and I wasn’t ready to give that up. Once Kevin woke up, he would see how awesome I was for going through all of this trouble to get him into the movies. A few of his friends were also in line for the movie. They looked at Kevin with concern. I tazed them.


We got through the line and I took my seat in the theater. I began smiling; I had never been so happy in my life. I finally got to spend some quality time with my so- where the hell did he go? I left him by the ticket booth! I retraced my steps and found my unconscious son by the pop stand. He was getting some candy, that little stinker. Nonetheless, I tazed him again and dragged him back to the theater.


The movie was about to start! The lights were dimming and I blurted out: “Kevin, aren’t you so excited?”


He started to wake up and said hazily: “What? My name’s not Kevin.”


I tazed him again.

The movie was enjoyable, even though I had to enjoy it alone.


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